Finding Faith & Healing After Loss
– Scott Duffy
I never thought I’d find myself sharing such a personal story, but I feel compelled to, hoping it might help others who’ve faced loss. My story begins in a way that many wouldn’t expect, in the dark shadow of grief after losing my close friend, Charlie, to suicide. I’m an Evangelical Christian, and I live in the Pacific Northwest, a place known for its wild beauty and fierce independence. But even in a region as beautiful as this, we’re not immune to life’s hardest challenges, including the struggle with mental health, isolation, and grief.
After Charlie died, I was shattered. I remember the heartbreaking moment of finding him, lifting him down, and just feeling like my entire world had come apart. Anger flooded me—anger at Charlie, anger at God, anger at everything. I didn’t know how to handle the waves of rage and sadness that overwhelmed me. I felt like there was nothing anyone could do to ease that pain. I was just…wounded.
In the weeks that followed, I wrestled with a lot of emotions I didn’t want to feel. I loved Charlie deeply, yet here I was, consumed by anger at him. I didn’t want to hate him, but there were moments I felt that hate rise in me like nothing I’d ever experienced. It was so confusing, because I knew Charlie didn’t do this to hurt me or anyone else. But it was hard not to feel the bitterness.
Around that time, I felt a strong urge to take a break from everything. I joined a study tour in Inverness, Scotland, hoping for a change in scenery. There, in a quiet house far from home, something changed. God’s presence touched me in such a powerful way, showing me that Charlie’s death wasn’t my fault. In a profound moment of healing, I came to understand that Charlie had made his choice, a choice that was his alone. He was one of my closest friends, but I couldn’t carry his struggles for him.
I realized that his decision, as painful as it was, wasn’t meant to hurt me or anyone else. Charlie had been battling his own darkness and, sadly, he saw no other escape. I had to accept that while I loved him deeply, his struggles weren’t mine to bear. God brought me peace in that moment, and it lifted a heavy weight I’d been carrying.
After that, I began focusing on the good memories. I thought about all the times Charlie and I laughed together, shared our hopes, and just enjoyed each other’s company. Slowly, as I remembered those moments, a warm feeling started to grow in my heart—a sense of love and gratitude for the time we shared. Instead of being consumed by the anger and bitterness, I began to feel that love for Charlie more strongly than ever. It was like a light glowing in the middle of a very dark place.If you’ve lost someone close to you, please know that it wasn’t your fault. Your loved one didn’t leave because of something you did. Think about the love they had for you, the good times, and the joy they brought into your life. Those memories can be healing, even if they’re painful at first. For me, Everglow by Coldplay became part of that healing. The song was written by the singer after losing a close friend, and I felt that